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Lymphedema…

Im typing this as I wait on hold for the cancer center. I decided to type to help me remain calm. Letting out my thoughts instead of letting them reak havoc in my mind. My thoughts fuck cancer (if my language offends my applogies but its how I feel) Its bad enough cancer took so much during that time spand of july 7th 2016 to may 5th 2017 but now at any moment something can trigger anxiety or fear. aches pains mild discomfort makes you wonder if its something serious. Im holding back tears as I talk to the

 Nurse… I have to get a call back.

Couldnt hold them back and thats okay this pic is to show its okay to cry even in font of your child. I took a few seconds to explain to her what was going on (this happened over a span of time the documentation was edited as needed)

 My hand is swollen and for some they may wonder why thats a big deal… When I had my breast removed I also has some lymphnodes removed. Our body has a lymphatic system I’ll talk more about that another time… But having a few removed disturbed the system. Are you thinking why did you have them removed? Well cancer is very invasive it not only invades your certain areas in your body it can affect your blood and for me the lymphatic system. The cancer (I never say my …Im not claiming cancer in a possessive manner. It’s not mine )the cancer was found in one of my lymph nodes and it was best to remove that one and the next few within the system. (Thanks to research they know it travels from one node to the next in a specific order). So removal was necessary but it comes with complications Lymphedema. Fluid can build in my arm and cause swelling.

Doctors calling. 

Okay Im back she recommended taking off the compression sleeve for a few days to see if that allows the fluid to circulate better. If I loose feeling or rang of motion I need to go to the ER.

This is the part of the on going journey. The uncertainty of not knowing of being uncomfortable… This is why your tribe is important they will be there to support you. (I called my mom before writing this part ) they help reassure you. 

 Will keep you posted on how things are going. 

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The journey continues

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So many things can trigger you … A tingle in your arm, an article about wellness, health or etc can cause you to over think and sink in to a pit of anxiety  worry and sadness. In these moments you need to be reminded that you survived. That you fought for your life and you are strong. Remember that worry will not help you. Shift your perspective by reframing and in all honesty by just telling your self to stop. I have done this a few times . Just told my self to stop. Stop over thinking anxiety has no place here today. Another thing that helps during a time like this is reaching out to your tribe. Your tribe can help you change your thinking and give you the encouragement you need to keep it all together. They can also let you fall apart and put you back together. If you are a survivor you know that the journey is no way near over when treatment ends. If you are arent a survivor know that we still need you once the medical treatment is done. We need your text memes prayers and phone calls. We still need our tribe.

 SuriveTribe is another part of my journey I invite you to join me by following me on Instagram SURVIVETRIBE

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Survive the Visits

It is December 22 9:40 am and I am in a place that I must make a pit stop at. The cancer/ breast center has become a destination on this journey that I frequent often. Just like a pit stop in nascar I come to get checked out… you know see how everything is runing . These appointments are important they check my blood work I get my monthly shot and they check my overal health and well being after being on the road of recovery. 

I sit in a room full of many others we dont know one another but we are connected. We share a few things in common we have been affected by cancer. We are the ones diagnosed, healing from, coping with or loving and supporting someone with cancer. We are a Tribe we are all on some various part of this journey. 

In a few minutes I will be called to the back and my pit crew my Awsome nurse techs and oncologist will check me out give me a huge needle and make sure that Im running at optimal conditions. Im tired and achey things make me cry (I dont know if its a side effect of meds or just me ๐Ÿ˜€Im a crier if moved in some way I crying laughing, crying sad or even cry because that was sweet or mean )Im still fighting. 

About to take my waiting room selfie or two to pass some time as I wait to be seen. Take a few min to go like my Facebook page to stay in touch. I have some announcements coming soon. I’m so excited about this part of the journey. Im looking forward to sharing it all with you. 

https://www.facebook.com/DWhidby-1829816807338335/

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Survive the feeling

I am not a fan of having my feelings hurt (who is right?) So I do my best to take responsibility for how I feel and take notice of how people contibute to how I feel. (They contribute by the influence I allow them to have over my feelings) someones anxious or angry energy can make me feel anxious too if I allow it or if I am unaware of the transference of energy to me….
I should re write that

I take notice of how people react respond or how their presence has an influence on me.

In taking responsibility I accept that when my feelings are hurt it is not the other persons fault it is my interpretation of what they did (this the same even if it is hurt love shame etc… )
I decide on a subconscious level that It hurt me.

For this situation in particular and others to be honest I think about why it hurt my feelings.
I make a request to ๐Ÿcan you help me with___?

๐Ÿno I dont do that… 

Me It will take less than 5min and would really help me.

๐ŸNope

I continue doing what I was doing thinking I’ll only be a few more minutes and  then I can do what I asked help with….a few minutes go by and an accident happens (nothing major no need for details).
๐Ÿ ends up helping just not in the manner asked above.

First emotion Im pissed๐Ÿ˜ 

First  thought if ๐Ÿjust helped when I asked this would not have happened 
I placed blame real quick
 anger is a secondary emotion normally comming from something else
I went and took care of what I asked for help with. While doing that I took responsibility for what happened and thought I should have stopped what I was doing and did what I asked ๐Ÿhelp with instead of continuing what I was doing.
I also thought about why my request wasnt done and how I help๐Ÿoften. 

My feelings were hurt. My thoughts it was a simple request nothing too big or too hard to do and ๐Ÿwas capable but just stood their ground with thier no 

Entitlement creeps in at times if your not aware

I help because I like to I help because I care 

I was hurt because I translated ๐Ÿnot helping to not caring

Got mad again in my head how the f this b gonna not help me after all I do when they need help…(entitled much??)

Second thought they dont owe me I may feel that they do but in all truth they dont specially If I helped because I wanted to or because I cared

I like to understand so I ask questions I do my best not assume I know why people do what they do

Went in to counselor mode… Why couldnt you do what I asked it wasnt a big task.

๐Ÿnot my responsibility

But I help with things thats not my responsibility sometimes

๐Ÿ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ถ thats just how I am

That hurts cause I help u on major things that has nothing to do with me but okay.

Lesson learned

My feelings were hurt because what I give far out ways what I receive. I would move a mountain and they woudnt push a chair out they way if went against what they felt like doing.

I admire the stregenth it takes to hold true to what you say or feel

I think its insensitive to not help when you can specially when said person is their for you often( still working on entitlement even on this small level)

I respect that they dont have to
 My solution treat people accordingly

My feeings were hurt cause I do too much

Do less or do nothing to help because my feelings are tied to what I do and I do feel entitiled to some degree
This will be an interesting turn of events its in my nature to be helpful specially if I care about you. But I will see if doing less changes how I feel…..

Thanks for reading this long post

How do you take responsibility for your feelings actions … etc?

#survivetribe

#survivefeelings

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Perception

This time last year oct 27 2016 I was prepraing my self to take a new round of chemo read below…

โ€‹Perception

we will have them of ourselves and of each other. People look at me and say wow you don’t look like anything is going on with you at all…. I look at me and know that is something completely different.

 I look in the mirror and I  the casualties of this fight. My Hair, my energy, my sense of taste,  my ability to do things I want when I want, my ability to work, discoloration of my hands and tounge ,  my right breast. … i am not all my hair etc but I would be a liar if i said these things didnt bother me on some level. They do, I wont lie but also know that I am blessed it could be worse my life could have been the cost… I AM HERE TO FIGHT FOR  SURVIVAL my life means so much to me I have many more years to live and a child to raise. 

I get chemo tomorrow and its a new one Taxol I believe its called. Its said to be less harsh then the other one I was getting  (people called that the red devil) I’m a little uneasy about it cause like with anything change can be scary. I know how the other one made me feel… Idont know about this also I get this one everyweek so no long break in between. However I press forward 4 down  12 more rounds to go. 

Lessons gained

Its possible to look strong and not feel or see your self that way. And its okay 

Sometimes just give your eyes a break and see your self through someone else’s eyes

Its okay to be honest about your fears lable them acknowledge them then rip them to shreds (I will be working on something soon to change my perception of my self at this time i will see the scars to my beautiful ) (thats from a dope song by Alessia Cara scars to your beautiful )

You may be scared of change but you have already faced harder things and beat them your still here ๐Ÿ’‹

I WONT BE BOUND BY MY FEARS.

#bedopenotdown  #KISSCANCERBYE
Today I prepare to be celebrate at the green stands with pink event celebrating being a survivor. What a difference last year I was scared and uncertain this year I am not afraid even though life is different Cancer may have taken lots of things but it made me decide to live with urgencey my ideas thoughts feelings wont wait another year to be shared or expressed in a way I deem fit I survived and I am carving out a life worth living.I thank God for favor . I am greatful that  I can stand  to celebrate being able to live. Often we dont celebrate our accomplishments for some getting out of bed taking care of self or loved ones deciding to fight another minute hour day is worth celebrating. You WE have survived and thrive I CELEBRATE YOU FOR MAKING IT. YOU ARE MY TRIBE WE SURVIVED! #survivetribe

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Bands will make you…

Post from last year on this day.

I didnt know much of anything about cancer treatment so I wanted to share as much as I could to help others see what it entailed….

โ€‹9/17/16Good morning today I really wanted to be at millionaire school. Physically it wouldn’t be safe for me. I will be turning down invites for a while my health requires it. I figured I share some information about why and some information about the bands I am wearing on my arm.
 Picture with the red ban says restricted Due to the removal of my right breast

I can’t have any thing medical done on this arm no taking my presure blood draws etc 

The white and blue band state the type of device I have implanted in my chest it is called a port (if you have to  get treatment for anything on a regular basis I would look in to getting one )it helps administer medications or do blood draws the picture of me is me showing my IV which is inserted in my port when i go get treatment. 
The reason i cant go too many places 

Is explained in  the last photo. It has to do with my white blood cell count. White blood cells fight infection and germs. My count is low.
To keep safe well really alive I must exercise caution 

You know no being around people who could be sick who are sick and we know germs are everywhere 

I check my temperature every day to make sure i dont have an infection 100.1 I go to the hospital. Mine has been 98.6 thank God 

 Just wanted to share some information with you. I didnt know any of this prior to the diagnosis. Awareness is important it can save your life or help you save another’s life.

Taken it easy today

My friend and success partner said she will share all the ๐Ÿ”‘๐Ÿ”‘๐Ÿ”‘๐Ÿ”‘ with me latter because health and wealth go hand in hand in creating this lifestyle . 

Hope you all have a grand day

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Im a little scared 1st dose round 1 of 16ย 

I mentioned how not all of my days were good days. Fear crept in many times here are a few of my thoughts just before getting chemo.

9/2016

โ€‹I cried off and on yesterday. It was like breathing let it all out  suck it back in. It started and stoped based on what my thoughts were…..

How am I still going to manage things while going through this 

How will I take care of my daughter no one is here with me 24/7 . 

I must be able to push through this she needs me I need me I will push through this (tears stream down my face.)

I wonder how my hair will fall out will it be in patches or all at once like in cartoons. Im actually pretty hairy legs arms etc so I  Think to my self fuzzy wuzzy was a bear fuzz wuzzy had no hair so fuzzy wuzzy really wasnt fuzzy was he cracks up  laughing ) keeps pushing through my day.

MY LIFE WILL FOREVER BE CHANGED BECAUSE OF THIS 

APPRECIATE EACH MORNING YOU RISE EACH TASK THAT YOU CAN DO  APPRECIATE KNOWING TO SOME DEGREE WHAT YOUR DAY WILL.BE LIKE.

that’s what scares me I have no idea what will happen for me… each persons experience is uniquely their’s. I have spoken with fellow survivors  (yup fellow survivors I’m going to be in that category )

And its bitter sweet I learn of things that may happen and hear how they over come them how faith joy laughter tears got them through.  

I CANT DENY THAT I am scared but this is one fear I can not run from 140pm today round 2 of this fight begins (there are many variations of chemo they are giving me one that is so strong you can only take it once in your life time talk about facing huge mountains shessh) 

Please pray for me I will be kind of distant today (intrue introvert form)

I will respond to text or fb messages voice mail when I get a chance dont take it personally please. ( my own feelings are overwhelming and as a part of self care I must only focus on overcoming the negative feelings )

I will.be reaching out to people or my mom will. Possibly a truster friend will also. Once we see how i take this first dose we will have a better idea of what kind of help will be needed. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING THERE VIA MESSAGE ETC I APPRECIATE YOU ALL 

#kisscancergoodbye 

#chemotherapy 

#1stchemotreatment 

#iamemotional 

#bedopenotdown this one is hard to do today lol.

Going to run some errands/ eat have an amazing day on purpose

How do you handle fear? Whay reasures you? Share with me โค