Somebody find me a carnival out fit and another boob asap lol but really I have seen this and another beautiful women on my time line rock a beautiful hue of blue on their head and I love it 😍. It’s a bold move…people laugh smirk and mean mug some even make comments just loud enough for you to hear their snide remarks…they have no idea what I been through or why I chose this and believe it or not alot of thought was put in to this choice…here’s why…
I am okay with not being seen I can play the background like no bodys business. I was comfortable there. Over the years I made a few changes and I have been getting more comfortable being uncomfortable. This past year the diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer pushed me even further. Its okay to be seen its okay to be different its okay to stand out boldly (yes I know some people do this and dont make a big to do about it… but I get to because some people believe you are just born that way and not that you can be come that way)
Complete tangent real quick you ever see someone and they walk tall proud and confident you look at them and think they have no insecurities what so ever and that if you were like them or looked like them you would be more confident and bold… I use to think that some times. That thought creeps up when I admire someone. But thankfully because of a few transparent moments and open conversations I learned they have insecurities too they are not as bold as they come off … Talk about ah haaa moment…
Okay back to my topic lol.
I realized that my life is not promised and the things I like love or want to do should be done. I dont have to sit and watch life happen to me I can show up even when I dont feel like it. Bold choices make you do this. You will be seen you will be notice will you show up?
I dont always feel like I have energy nor do I feel like being seen sometimes specially with all my thoughts about how to build a new normal all the new aches and scars and lack of boob. Oh and medically induced hot flashes and emotional roller coaster of feelings. It can put you in a real funk …but this color in my hair makes me smile. It makes me show up be Present and be positive …be dope not down (I will talk more about that phrase I coined later in another post) I get a kick out of the double looks and laughs from others. I speak to those who stare and look at me weird. I then compliment them on something or address the elephant in the room. Why that color ? When they look puzzled I provide a piece of the puzzle…. this is why. They may or may not get it and thats cool… I use to care too much about what others thought. Their valadtion ment something now I wonder why does it bother YOU that My hair is different why laugh or make negative comments about something that doesn’t hurt harm or have any effect on you?
I have gotten some pretty awesome compliments so Dont think that its been all negative it hasnt. For me its been a fun and freeing part of the journey… New normal Im okay with my choices even when most people arent.
Tell me about a bold move or choice you made and why?
This was then ……A quick up date… I believe I am healing well after surgery and have a follow-up appointment next week.
So many of you may not know what this process is like. Its weird because my pain is minimal but it its bothersome. I have drains that I have to monitor and empty. Also have to document the color and amount of fluid that drains out (fluid builds up in the body and needs to find a path of least resistance to exit the body the drains help create that path). These drains are coming out of my side and thanks to a unknown lady (who donates them.to the hospital ) I have a tiedyed pink home Depot pouch on to keep them from just hanging about. Kinda like a fanny pack its helpful.
the soreness the limited range of motion of my right arm and not being able to get comfortable at night are the challenges I have right now. I am blessed that this is all each step of this journey is teaching me alot . (I have been creating a list of each thing as I become aware of them. )
Im being transparent with this mostly to help others see the importance of checking your self eating better self care etc but its also a lil therapeutic for me. It reminds me that I dont have to be ashamed of what I am going through. That I am more then my body hair or mood at any given time. (This was not a quick up date lol )
A good friend of mine lives a great distance away but wanted to help me as I battle cancer she created a you caring account to help me with some of the financial strain that may present it self during this time…please check it out. Thanks in advance #kisscancerbye
Today I have no right breast still not sure if or when I will get reconstruction. I have scars where the drains came out of my body but Im still here. Im grateful for that
The first few weeks after getting my breast removed I founf it hard to get comfortable some times. Lack of sleep can cause you to feel emotionally and physically weak. I had a moment tears started to fill my eyes and my thoughts tried to take over…..
What thoughts 🤔
Can I do this
Fear of unknown things concerning treatment.
I started to pray tears stoped
My aunt called to check to see if I had a ride for sugarbaby and ministered to my spirit for like 2 min by reminding me of Gods unconditional love.
I listened to a song that has been so very helpful during this process. … I started to worship #worshiping>worrying
God is able
I dont have to be bound by fear
I CAN do this
and to answer WHY me …so I can help others get through this. So I can learn to live fully and freely
I had to learn to love my body dispite it being altered.
My womanhood (in my mind)came in to question would I still feel feminine… (I never had a big chest and I have been very self conscious about how I look. I wondered how would people treat me seeing me disfigured will they notice I only have one boob? After going out a few times when I was able I learned no one noticed or at least said anything. It was okay.
A few days ago while I was in Miami I met this awesomely free lady🍁🌹. She was topless. My friends said hey is she ….I said yup she is topless. I thought wow she is bold and free and loves her body. We dont have to sexualize everything. We dont have to be ashamed. I survived I am still fighting feelings thoughts and physical battles it was nice to be free for like 3 seconds😂. Bonus on this journey I made a new friend❤
Just left from getting an MRI …THAT IS ONE LOUD PIECE OF MACHINERY. Im so glad Im not easily unnerved by being in small spaces. Its a pretty close fit in the machine. Somethings that helped music positive self talk and knowing it would be over soon. I didnt know I would have to get contrast via an IV I thought I would have to drink something but that is for a ct scan not an MRI. Im not big fan of needless but today I have had the joy of getting two… one for the IV and the other the monthly trelstar shot 💉 in my butt 😔. I do my best to be rational about all that needs to be done. I trust that it will help me stay healthy and that out weighs any fear or discomfort.
How do you manage un-comfortable situations?
Ps I’m sure I earned icecream and or cookies today.
This time last year I was being wheeld in to surgery to have my right breast removed. I went in to the hospital with a smile as I was so ready to get the cancer out of my body. I had this cheerfulness that confused people but was necessary for me to make it. However when I saw the nurse and we started walking back to the room where I would be prepped a feeling came over me …it was fear I was so scared and at that moment all my feelings errupted and tears streamed down my face. I was losing my breast… How would I look; would I still feel feminine; how much will it hurt and a list of other question filled my mind. My nurse touched my shoulder and said hey are you scared I could only shake my head. She hugged me and told me it would be okay. This was the first time I had ever been completely under anesthesia. I woke up and it was gone I never was really big on having breast (had been in the itty bitty titty committee for a long time) once I had my daughter I was blessed with a little more. I fed my child with my breast I filled out dresses and cute tops with my breast what was I going to do with one boob. I wondered would I still be considered sexy. After time went by I and by exposing my self to images of people or things that represented one side being gone I was able to accept that which I could not change. I made jokes and I still do make jokes about having one boobie it among other things helps me cope.
Today I can walk around my house topless I wear bathing suits and fill in my fake boob and carry on like I have too. I would be wrong to say I dont miss it but it tried to take my life and (in my best Kevin Hart voice ) some body had to go.
How did u you cope with a major change in your life? I would love to read all about it.